This Is Me

It’s feels so cliché to be writing this but I felt that it was somewhat necessary. Twenty-eleven did had its fair share of ups and downs.

This was the year that I graduated from Temasek Polytechnic. Needless to say, I am very happy of my achievements. I have mentioned this a couple of times, I graduated with a merit and I am accepted into NTU, what more can I ask for? I am truly happy and I look forward to explore uncharted territories of computing in NTU.

This was also the year that I was enlisted into National Service. It wasn’t easy for me. I received the golden ticket to be enlisted a day before my birthday. I felt beyond devastated to the point that I cried. Yes, I did. Boys have feelings too. It was one of life’s moment that I dreaded so much.

Ever since I was young, everyone kept sharing stories of how cruel and ruthless National Service can be. I was instilled with utmost fear. Just the thought of entering into National Service makes me tremble and wet my pants.

I had a really difficult time adjusting to life in there. I’m the youngest child, I have been literally pampered every single day. I’ve never worked before in my entire life. My first working experience was the internship that Polytechnic courses offers. I can safely say at I’ve never experienced any real hardship.

When we entered, everyone was treated like no one, like a piece of shit I would say. That night, after my first day, I cried. Really hard. Words honestly cannot describe how I felt. It was an entirely different world inside. On my second day, we had a private interview with our Platoon Commander. He asked me, ‘How are you coping along?’

I took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and I broke down. At the point, simply said, I do not give a shit that I’m making a fool out of myself that I cried. I just couldn’t hold it anymore.

I told him I miss home and life is tough in here. I fully understand that National Service is mandatory and there is nothing he can do. I also told him that this place makes me feel suicidal, I just want to get out of here. There is no shortcut way of getting out of here other than the cold razor blade.

That was a fact of life and I just had to accept it. And I needed time to accept it.

I am absolutely thankful for my loving parents to drive each week to book in. I’d be at the back seat gazing emptily as city lights flash by. Hot tears would stream down while I keep questioning myself, why do I need to go through all of this? What did I do to deserve this?

It wasn’t a surprise to people that I was at the lowest point of my life, most people can read my emotions like an open book. Numerous people from my company tried to cheer me up. One of them noticed that I was crying in the car as we arrived at the entrance of the camp.

When we’re in camp, the best part of our day was our free time after dinner. It was the only time that I can call my parents. When the lights are out, I’d be on bed in a fetal position and crying silently. The question will be there again, why do I need to go through all of this? I just want to be home.

The tears eventually stopped in my sixth or seventh week. I was somewhat getting used to it and I know what was to be expected but life was still difficult inside. All I can ever think about was the passing out parade. I just want to be a human again.

I was on cloud nine when we passed out as privates. However, my euphoria was short-lived when the training for medical orderly started. It was like recruit life all over again. I’m tired of this crap and I had enough.

After lunch, we were told to fall in, I couldn’t hold it anymore and I broke down. I just wanted to get out of this course and be a clerk. An easy life I would say. At the end of the day, I cried in the crowded train, silently of course while facing the interior of the carriage.

With all those hardship, I did meet several wonderful people. And I have lost quite an amount of weight and I am satisfied with that. National Service made me realize how lucky I am for my parents. My parents would do anything to cheer me up when I’m back home for the weekends. But if I was given a choice to go through all of that again, I’d definitely turn down the offer.

Now, I have passed out from my medical training for about two months and I am posted to a hospital. I am simply looking forward to complete my two years, continue my studies and achieving my dreams and goals.

nazri610@gmail.com